I brought you all my dreams cause I love you

I had a dream last night. Its the type of dream that you don’t remember having until something during the day trigger it. Reading the Washington Post this morning triggered my remembrance that I was standing in front of a podium talking to a crowd.

Not just once, not just twice but several crowds, several different places, I looked as I do now, I didn’t look older than I do now. I wasn’t wearing glasses, I had no facial hair, and I was always in a suit, or a dress shirt at least. People interacted with me like I was a man, a leader. I even noticed that I still didn’t comb or brush my hair, I noticed those things in the dream, I even felt ashamed for them.

I remember this one scene, where I walking down the middle of the street with a large following and an older black man, light skin, large, sticks his hand out wanting to shake my hand. He is excited to see me. Cameras are around, and people are taking footage, and pictures. He says something to me to the effect of.
“I have been waiting to meet this young man.”
The man is in some position of power, he is the mayor of a city. It honestly felt like I was in New Orleans, or a place that experienced something bad, because it almost felt like it was raining or there was a lot of water around.

The entire dream was me watching myself giving speeches, I never saw the crowd just my face, I couldn’t hear my words, I just heard the crowds response. They shouted in agreement, they laughed, they cheered, they were silent. They were black voices.

I was viewing the dream as if I was viewing TV.

Beyond what the most obvious translation of what this dream may be, what does this mean? I hate speaking in front of people, I hate to stand in front of the crowd I feel so self conscious. Truthfully as I watched myself in my dream I felt so ashamed, I couldn’t believe I was on TV and people were watching me.

But deep down that’s my dream, my awesome, awe inspiring dream, to be a leader for the black race. I have a dream, and I told you all my dreams, because I love you.

Need a new phone -Part 2-

It was so humiliating agreeing to her conditions, all so they could talk for a few minutes at night, all so he could have someone to release his thoughts into. Just so he could have someone who would chuckle at his jokes, just so he could feel loved. “No, listen to me I'm talking.” for a girl her size she sure did love raising her voice, and talking to him as if she were in fact a man. Humiliating. After wards he always felt so angry. So angry with himself, so angry at her, so angry that he was not willing to get out of the relationship. He felt trapped emotionally. What, did he like the pain and heart abuse, the relationship was starting to remind him of another woman from his distance past.

“No, I am tired I am taking a nap.” she texted him after he asked if they could talk finally. That was the last straw, he was furious. He spent almost an hour texting her, convincing and proving his innocence to her, just for her on a whim to decided she wanted to take a nap. He couldn’t get even a sympathy call, forget about her saying she was sorry, he was not that deluded to believe that she would ever do that, but a phone call, no? He had no more patience. He called, and called, she was the reason he even had the phone he did, a little pre pay phone he put minutes on just so he could talk to her, and she wouldn’t answer the phone so they could talk after having a fight that almost broke them apart. The words selfish came to his mind

She was being immature and he was tired of it. So he called, knowing that she would not answer the phone and he left a series of messages, and he vented. He vented, he fussed, and he cried. The relationship had been so hurtful to him for so many years and he was just glad to be done with it. His eyes were finally wide open, he finally couldn’t pretend that he alone could make it work, he had been through that before, and he reminded her of that. He left her, via voice mail. After leaving the messages he started to make his way back to his home. She sent him a text message shortly after his last voice message. She had been listening to them as he left them.

“You compared me to her? That is the last straw, you have lost me forever, goodbye!”

He didnt text back, he just smiled, a real smile, a self satisfied no need to justify you know I didnt lie smile. He smiled as he tossed the phone into the gutter along the side of the road. God knows he doesnt need that anymore. But he will need a new phone.

Need a new phone -Part 1-

“I dont want to talk about it.” She texted him. She refused to call him. He had been calling her, trying to talk to her. He was convinced that they were having a misunderstanding and if he could only get her to pick up the phone. Its so hard to convey through a character limiting text, tone and emotion, and right now the emotion that he had was pain mixed with a bit of frustration.”You are trying to make me feel guilty, I am not falling for your game.” But it wasnt a game his heart was on the line.

He walked up and down the streets of his neighbor hood, fussing, pleading, arguing silently over the phone with a girl he had not seen for almost three months. It had gotten so bad that the slightest misunderstanding was earth shattering and threatened to pull apart the thinly glued together alliance. An alliance that was threatened among other things, another guy. He had invested so much into her, he though in terms of time, and love, but he couldn’t ignore the substantial monetary investment he had put into the relationship. An invest that was never matched, or even comparable to what she had put it. Weeks ago he had just sent her a necklace for valentines day. Surely, he thought, surely that will get her attention back on me. And for a day or two it had. But being distant from a girl who liked attention from anyone who would give it, was a dangerous game he was willing to play.

“Oh, okay, well I guess you didn’t do anything wrong.” she finally admitted through text. Finally! He was elated, he had proved that he was not at fault, he knew he was innocent and it was simply a misunderstanding, and proving it to her had been a lengthy forty five minute investment, but it was so worth it, in his mind. He didn’t have anyone else. He had given her so much, why give up at this point, even though he was aware of how hurtful the relationship was to him at this point. She readily admitted it, flaunted it in front of him, threatening him constantly by bringing up her medical condition. She blackmailed him to her whim, if he did the slightest thing unpleasing to her, well her condition was brought up and she cant have unneeded stress, she promised to not talk to him, until a time of her choosing.

Save me from myself

Save me from myself
my pitiful and wretched self
my loathsome self doubting self
swoop down from heaven and rescue me
Cause even a man needs a rescue now and again
if only from himself
his alter ego self
not so so feeling himself self
the side of him that’s miserable with himself
loves to to bet against himself, call him Pete Rose

Feeling like a burnt out man waiting to rise out the ashes like the phoenix
Is there such thing as being your own number one hater?
What is It I have against myself?
What I did I ever do to myself?
Besides not give myself a shot
not even a decent chance
like a little league team playing against the Yankees
That’s me, my own arch enemy

But then you walked into my world
and you placed my chin in your hand
my heart was in your pocket
my eyes resting in yours
my ego found shelter in your bosom.
Its like you birthed me
this new man
this improved man
this look at yourself in the mirror man
damn, it took a woman to find the man
that was wrestling to get outside me
the confident me
the I can do this me
The me that was supposed to be me
I found him when you rescued me.

Black Coffee

See the thing is, I used to hate coffee. Had you told me that I would be an avid coffee drinker while I was back in Kansas I would have not believed you. “Coffee, that disgusting mess?”. Granted, had you told me that the united states would have a black president, and that I would be living in Washington DC during his presidency I would not of believed it. Now that I think about it, if you had told me anything remotely positive (coffee aside) I would not have believed it. I was in a victim stage, choosing to believe only bad things could happen to me.

I digress, but I am making a point, the things I would never believe, are now my reality. I drink coffee, shoot I love coffee, I drink coffee through a soda straw at 10:30 at night. And not just any coffee, black coffee, I'm talking the stuff with no cream or sugar. Straight out the coffee pot.

In the time that I have been away from writing on my blog (forgive me) I have done a lot of maturing and eye opening. I am more of a man that I was months ago, and this is not me throwing my former self under the bus, this is me looking back at my former self and praising the successful changes for the better I have made. By no means am I a complete work, I am always character building, and improving, but for now, as I look back on who I was and who I am, I am mighty pleased with myself.

I went from hating coffee, to drinking coffee, getting upset if I cant have it. I went from mistrusting and resenting love and women, to admiring and longing for the touch and comfort of a certain woman and her love. I went from a rebellious and misguided soul to a servant of God.

Indeed, I have changed. Indeed, I have more changes to undergo. I am a work in progress, but as long as I have my black coffee I can pull all the long nights needed for complete character development.

Lady Love

I love this woman
this woman
she is a woman my arms were made for
my heart longs for
the reason my eyes see far
she was what I was searching for
The woman who's morning star smile helps me see
so I can be the man God intended me to be
she is a woman that makes me feel a man
a real man, the kind that takes care of a woman
a man who loves his woman
the type of man that respects his woman
treats his woman like he treats his body
nourishes and caters to her like a man would his body.
Cause if a man dont love himself how can he love anybody
Ah, but my woman makes me love me even more than I use to
because she loves me more than anyone else use to

I love this woman
this woman
my woman
the woman that makes me, me
the woman that I want with me
for as long as I am me
I love her
the way I talk to her
long hours through the night
holding each other during the day lounging
not talking with words but through looks, touches and kisses
its a complex language of love we speak
but she understands me fluently
even before I can ask she cares for me
and even if she doesn’t tell me, I know when to make her smile
My woman makes me love her more and more each day
because each day she gets more perfect each and every day

I love this woman
my special woman
the only woman
she is strong intelligent and beautiful
those are not just generic terms to describe her
she is those words.
They are her
and she is them
She is my strength especially when I am weak
She is my intelligence, she is my wisdom and sharp thinking. She is correction to my faults
She is beautiful and she is beauty. Not only in her face and body is she beautiful, her actions her words her love is beauty. The way she cares for me
the way she encourages and uplifts me
it is beauty worthy of a masterpiece drawing.
It is the purpose of every artist to try and portray beauty like this
And with every passing day, and in every way, with every moment
she embodies beauty, intelligence, and strength
that woman
my woman
the special woman who is my lady love

I love her.

(SIA) September 1 and Welcome back to work

My God it is so nice to be writing again. Well I suppose that statement is a little misleading. It is not as if I have not been writing ever since my latest update, but I have not been around a pc enough to even attempt to put anything up for public consumption.

I wish it was as easy as cracking my knuckles and getting back into the swing of things but I will take me a week or so to get used to writing as often as I use to. I have more focus, a lot more focus than I first had. A lot has changed readers, a lot has changed.

However we can get into all that at a later time, for now, and for the time being, I am back. Pc and all.

Also, the irony is not lost on me that my lost on me that my last post was titled “What is worth writing” I assure you readers that, that was never my plan.

God has a since of humour, what more can I say?