God help me

It hasn’t sunk in yet, this pain that I feel. I have hardened myself so much over these years, numbed myself to a lot of pain. Mental and physical pain, I almost relish it, I smile at it a lot of times, laugh it off. Laughter is the best way to fight away tears.

People have called it bravado, I hardly understand what that means, yet its not the first time people have labeled me words I didn’t know the meaning of.

I have become numb to the pain because in part I felt like it would never end, I didn’t see a way out. I tried many times to escape this pain, it has followed me around numerous states and countless cities. And yet, it still lingers in the background like an odor, like a smell you have gotten use to, but you know its still there. You smell it whenever you have been away from it for any length of time, and then wham, it hits you as you walk in the door. That was pain for me.

There is so much anger built up in me, I wonder if I am even capable of having any patience, can I even have a family of my own? How will I handle the stress of parenthood, fatherhood to be exact? How can I ever get along in a relationship, with all this pinned up emotion in me. It needs an outlet. I cant carry on like this, the ones closest to me will suffer if I don’t let this wrath out.

I don’t know whats worse, being lied to or being treated so viciously. I told myself that if I ever got out of this cycle of pain, if I ever escaped I would sit down and write everything out. I would have a long cry and sob and boo hoo myself to exhaustion, then I would sit up straight and start tapping away at the keyboard. I would get this Satan out of me.

Vengeance is the Lord's, and yet I want vengeance to be mine. I want vengeance to be mine in such a way that I am no longer the victim but the abuser, I become the hated one, the detestable one, I want my reaction to be such that it would then cause someone else to seek vengeance upon me.

I don’t know when I will allow myself to vent and let the past catch up with me and sink in. I don’t know where or who I can be around and feel safe in letting all that stream out of me. Just thinking about it makes me want to tear up. Can anyone understand a 24 year old man crying tears he has wanted to cry since he was 12 years old?

Someday the reality of the situation will hit me like a ton of bricks, at that moment I will need a trusted shoulder to rely on and some bible verses.

God help me.