Snapshot of the young egotist at age twenty-one

I believe this will become a habit of mine, at different stages of my life I will sit down and write a self portrait of myself from a different point of view. I will also, after stepping away from other people and being drawn into myself, sit down and write a true self portrait.

This is my first picture of myself I have ever written, I remember a painting I once saw of a woman whose name I can’t recall. She was a Latino woman who drew a self portrait of herself. What drew my attention to the picture was the woman’s eyebrow. She had one eyebrow that stretched across her face. It surprised and amazed me that she drew herself like that. To me it said that she had come to terms with what she looked like and accepted it as a part of her. She painted herself true to life and didn’t try to cover up or ignore her features that may be perceived as ‘flaws’ by others. That picture inspires me to write a true portrait of myself eyebrow and all.


I think of myself as egotistical. I say this because I spend a lot of time thinking about myself, and how others may perceive me. I am very critical of other people so I always examine myself for faults and flaws. I think myself worse than I really am, and will try my best to shake off compliments given to me. I expect nothing short of the world from myself, and since I have yet to achieve it I think myself as having achieved nothing. I am without a doubt anti-social. I am withdrawn from groups and spend more time watching people than with them. The reason is because I have a profound distrust of people. I know that underneath all the layers that I am as vulnerable as anyone else. I fear letting my kind and giving nature show. I will watch a person interact with people long before I open my mouth to introduce myself. I always want to know a person before they know me. I don’t think myself mean, but cold. I am cold to those that I don’t want to give my name to, those I find unfavorable in my eyes. Thus I fling ignorance of English too, to avoid conversation. I am simply a private person.

When it comes to women I can either be cold and dismissive or nice and charming. It depends on the woman. I am even more critical of women than I am of myself. I am always looking for new person to ‘examine’, for a new woman to show my intellect to. I manage to lack self confidence and be a young egotist in the same breath. I know that my intellect and charm is unmatched by a majority of the male population. On top of that with much modesty I admit that I am handsome and have something of a ‘Cheshire’ smile. However with that said I lack confidence to exert myself. I lack the ambition and heart to chase woman after woman. I am looking for a certain type that I rarely find. I keep myself away because I need validation from someone else, and I don’t want to go begging for it. Even my smile, what is known as one of my best physical qualities, needed years of validation. I as a teenager didn’t know exactly what I was. I am at this age a young egotist coming into himself.

I often suspect myself of being better than I allow myself to believe. I have flashes of arrogance that I quickly put down. I don’t always believe all the horrible things I attribute to myself. I suspect I say a lot of them to myself to keep my ego in check, to keep myself humble, to keep myself from thinking too greatly of myself.

I do think myself better than a lot of people I know and see, though I never verbally admit it. With my eyes and without them knowing I can pick a person apart, I don’t insult them, I find faults with them. I am sure I do this so I don’t feel bad about my own faults that I feel bring me down. I often think of myself as being lazy and lacking motivation and ambition. I am a slave to my emotions and can give in completely to a feeling. I can easily get wrapped up in anger, love, and jealousy. I don’t drink because I fear it brings out my emotions too much, I have a single worldly vice and that is smoking. I have the tendency to blame myself for a lot of things that go wrong, even if I know they aren’t my fault. I think it better to blame myself than others because I can hold a grudge for as long as I live. All I need is a grudge, a wrong done to me, to never speak with a person again. In my eyes speaking with someone is a pleasure, a privilege, and not to be taken lightly.

Most people are attracted to my personage. I have a sharp and witty sense of humor. I am sarcastic often enough to confuse people of the intent of my words. I am soft-spoken and a man of few words, around people older than me. Yet around people my age and younger I can, if I want, be the life center of a group of people. I can in a single breath command the attention and admiration of every person in the room male and female. It is extremely rare but I have shown myself off and let the magnetism of my personage show.
It all depends on the people and if I decide to ‘show’ myself or not. I still hide myself from people a lot. Even at this young and uncertain stage in my life I know that I am a diamond. I understand now that I have a lot going for me and could be so much more…if I simply wanted to.