Lets get married

I know a beautiful young woman who I think I want to marry. If she ever read this she would frown at what I just wrote.

“think...you think?”

It wouldn’t be because she demands that I know, or even that she is supremely confident that I am the one, it would be because I always tell her that I know. It is my own damn fault that she expects me to be supremely confident of myself.

Its not that I lie to her, its not that I don’t feel I want to marry her. Its truthfully because I feel I am too flawed to be married that this age. I know too much about myself. (I grin) The age is a an excuse, I think my age plays only a minor role, I think I am not mature enough to try and dedicate myself to this young girl. When I think about it, it is hard for me to dedicate myself to my writing, something I feel passionately about. My writing chose my, not the other way around.

Its disappointing because I know in my heart as well as my head, that this girl is wonderful, and she would make me, or any man, very happy. I am even mature enough to realize my feelings for her are not purely sexual in nature, that this girl has a mind and spirit that I genuinely enjoy being around. Unfortunately I am far away from her at the moment and have been for some time now, almost a year. She says she is doing her best to wait for me.

Thus let me introduce my problem. Its nothing new, its just something that has been magnified 20 times due to distance. I am a jealous and untrusting wreck. I wont go into details, but simply explaining that I don’t trust females, should be enough. I would faster trust a woman with twenty dollars than I would trust any promise that she makes.

Any word of a woman be it friend or potential lover or lover I quickly discard and have the lowest expectations for. I wont get into my reason for that in this post. I realize that this can put a real damper on our relationship and any ambitions I have to marry this girl.

I suppose this is credit to my maturity that I am even able to self inspect myself enough to realize and identify my problems. I suppose that’s the hard part. I am only twenty three years old I still have time to work on myself, I still have time to work on myself. I know that my problem is connected to self confidence issues.

How honest do I want to be? How real do I want to keep it? Do I really want to change and trust this girl? Do I really want to do what is needed to make her the special one? It’s a shame that I have to give pause an ultimately say I don’t know. Not because of her, I could write pages on how beautiful and amazing I find her. (She is often the focus of my love poetry) Trust and love is a lot to be asked for. Its even more to be lost.

Just another issue that I will have to deal with and battle day by day. One step at a time. One goal at a time and I can make myself a better man. Its not even about being a better artist, though I suppose being a heart broken sour artist gets old after a while..