Struggles with Christian leadership

I learned at a very young age not to compare myself with others. My mother taught me not to compare myself to whites and I learned not to compare myself even to my younger brother.

Sometimes though it seems difficult to understand why I am required to walk a tight rope. Sometimes being a servant of God seems like a complicated balancing act in which you must do everything a certain way or risk falling off to an unimaginable depth, and I don’t mean hell or damnation. It seems that more is required of a servant of God than a unbeliever.

As it should be I know, but do I really need to walk a tight rope to get a job? How is it that unbelievers hold jobs, multiple jobs, over paying jobs, that they need not fear losing. Why cant I fornicate while unbelievers fornicate with several people before marriage and then remain in stable marriages for years?

Or am I on the outside looking in? Is everything not as happy and safe as it seems even for them? Why is it that at this stage I feel myself starting to envy the lives of those that the bible calls fools, those who do not even believe that there is a God.

While I teeter on the brink of emotional, finical, and spiritual collapse I walk a tight rope hoping, trying to trust that God will support me.

There is something about whining on paper that makes it seem so civil and mature but deep inside my soul cries for help like a child unable to feed itself.

I am a perfectionist, I learned that recently. Maybe that leads to my personal discontents with myself. Maybe that’s why I cant forgive myself. Maybe that’s why, for a lot of things.

Nas says something to the effect of light pockets have a heavy purpose. As if your being broke is for a reason. His exact words were “So when your pocket's light, know that you have a heavy purpose” Sometimes I feel that way. God has a way of bringing people from the bottom to the top, he seems to enjoy using the most humble people.

However before God can use me I have to be willing to be used. Accept that I am flawed. I remember what God said. “My grace is sufficient for you.” and through my imperfection God's glory is shown. If God feels I am good enough for his use and his purpose then, I should accept that, and not try and tell God he has the wrong person, or worse the wrong plan for me. It is not, nor should it be my job to be perfect before God will use me. Rather everything God does in me will be perfect.

Truly, I am too harsh on myself, and God has never let me down, nor will he ever.

I go through these things for a reason, every leader has his own personal trials so that he may walk with his head held high when facing adversity. Because as it was said to me. “You can't lead anyone with you head down.”