Bittersweet (3)

“I’m not mad.” She sighed again putting the cup down. “Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you want to go back to jail? You don’t need that stuff. Does it make you write better?” she asked knowing the answer before she got it He slowly shook his head no. “Exactly you don’t need it, besides it makes you gain pounds.” She said shaking her head at him. He sighed defeated laying back on the path staring up into the sky. “You are better than that.” She said as her voice softened. He turned his head away from her and looked in the distance. He didn’t know what to do he didn’t want to stop her talking but it hurt to hear her say all the things she was. He knew she was right, and he knew he was wrong. “What’s wrong with you? What are you doing to yourself? Now you drink, and you went back to smoking.”

“It was only once.” he said trying to defend himself.

“So? All it takes is once, you don’t want to mess up all you’ve done so far, think about it. You don’t need that. I’m here, use me. Let me push you. Let me be the gas to start your engine.” She pleaded. Who did she think she was he thought. Why did she think she could ask him that after all that had happened? He didn’t understand what he was feeling. Part of him wanted to reject her offer. Another part a small voice he heard in the corner of his mind a whisper more than voice told him to listen, said ‘yes’ to everything she said. It was always that same whisper that would always make him chase after her, that would always rebuke him when he did something wrong to her. The voice that told him that things would be better. How could he trust that voice after he spent so much time ignoring it. He closed his eyes trying to remember all the reasons and all the thoughts as to why he shouldn’t talk to her, but he couldn’t remember. The only thing on his mind was that she was right next to him extending her self out to him. “Let me help you reach that star.” She coaxed as she whispered in his ear. He wanted to say ‘yes’ he wanted to say something but couldn’t, he was scared silent. He didn’t know what to do and she was asking a lot. She was asking for access to something not even his parents had, his mind. She already had his heart, that much was obvious. He tried again to remember what made him think he may have been better off without her but he couldn’t. He could only think about how glad he was that she was there, and to have her asking him to use her for motivation. Did she know that she motivated him even in her absences? How much more it could be if he opened his mind as he once had for her.

“I want to be with you.” He gritted through his teeth.

“I know you do…I know, but we’re not ready.” He closed his eyes as he felt his emotions rise. He hated when she said that, it was always a reason as to why she could never be with him, he didn’t feel safe and secure placing so much emotion in her, not with their relationship history. “You’re not on your feet yet, and I’m not on my feet yet, how could you come to my father now?” He felt his eyes burn with tears as he squeezed his eyes closed. Why did she always stop him like that? What did she want from him maybe success at a young age like F. Scott Fitzgerald? It angered him that he had to prove himself. “What if something happened to me?” she begged. “Could you help me take care of me? And I know you would feel guilty, I know you would blame yourself and tell yourself you don’t deserve me. I know you.” The truth in her words hurt him to hear. She was right, he knew that if she was with him and she needed him and he wasn’t able to support or provide or help her he would immediately hate himself for not being able to help the one he loved the most. As he opened his eyes tears fell down his face. Curse his drunkenness! He silently hoped she hadn’t seen. “Remember your fortune cookie from today? Reach for the top apple first, you can get the bottom ones anytime. Well I am a bottom apple I’ll be here. Reach for your dreams first.” He slowly nodded still facing away from her. “You better not be crying I’ll kill you.” She reached for his chin and turned his face to her. “Why are you crying?” her voice and face pleading. “What did I say wrong?” she asked as she used her finger to gently wipe away a tear. He looked at her, how was she still able to make him feel this way? He shook his head. “You know I want to be with you too…” her voice trailing off. She wiped another tear away. “Stop crying.” She whispered. He wiped his face and rolled over on his stomach his face towards her. She played with his ear folding it with her fingers. “Think about what I said okay?”

“About the drinking?”

“Yeah.” She smiled. “Think about the drinking. Think about everything I said.” He closed his eyes nodding. “You can drink all you want on our wedding day.” Her voice smiled in his ear.