Three pages after i wake Mon-Dec-21 (1)

I woke up today with the fleeting thought that I was getting unwanted text messages from someone I did not want to talk to. Ironically enough I was finally stirred awake by a text message from someone I did not want to talk to.

I have had to realize today that I am always skeptical of everything. Of everyone, I have had it told to me that I am far too trusting and I believe everything says to me, but I don’t think that is the case. I don’t believe anything anyone says to me, and I am the type of person who has to experience things first hand. I am vaguely surprised that I believe in God and haven’t decided to wait till death to start being a believer in a high power. Maybe because I don’t allow myself to be that ignorant.

I feel as if I have missed out today, like I am missing something. I discovered that I am made single again today, under mysterious circumstances. The scent of ‘taken’ is gone from my body and I noticed that I am again repulsive to the opposite sex. I over stretch things…but really not that far. I feel like I have been made alone again, and all I had was a few month time period where I was not, kinda of just faking it…kinda of like a time out instead of anything substantial. I am not sure if I am being emo or realistic.

The snow has locked me into the house again with the rest of my family. I am starting to have ‘reflective thoughts’ again. This time about my family and the way I have been growing up. Its coming to the fore front of my mind again as if I wont be living with them anymore. That’s a good thing, I just hope it wont be like last time when I was sitting in a jail cell. I almost feel like I am trapped in a bad marriage, though I have felt that way for a long time, since I started being a teenager at the age of 12. I started to realize how I was not happy in the company of my family.

Even talking about them brings back all the memories that I have worked so hard to repress in order to make it through the day and put on a brave face. My father calls it ‘mental gymnastics’ I’m not sure what I was doing when he coined the phrase but its now a phrase I use to describe the trickery I do to my own mind to believe that things need to stay the way they are or I wont make it out alive, or as I know myself. I sort of feel like I am in some sort of war zone and as soon as I leave the battlefield I know I will go into shock of having seen and done all the things I did on the battlefield. Its like knowing that as soon as things change, as soon as you are on that plane back to new york city you aren’t going to be the same.

I have the option of going over to the current war, and to be honest that’s not looking to bad right about now. I have nothing over here to stay for. It’s a win for the fact that I get to stay away from my family. I know how that sounds, but its how I feel. I enjoy time away to understand myself, because I know that I will never really be able to know myself until I get to behave as I usually would. Let me be clear, the person I pretend to be inside these walls is not who I really am, and the longer I stay trying to fake someone else the more damage I do to myself.

A time will come when I will crack open a psychology book and start reading and run across chapters that make it seem like I am reading about myself. I know it will happen, because it already has. Reading about yourself in a mental health book is never a good thing. It only reinforces all the negative thoughts that others have placed in my mind. “Something is wrong with you…something is seriously wrong with you.” You know that sort of thing.

So it should be seen as something great that my mind or the universe or whoever it is that is controlling the gears of my brain is saying that it is time to take a review of your life so far in this situation. Last time that happened I was leaving Kansas City, and I didn’t even know it yet. Even though I had been trying and making plots to leave Kansas for more than three years, I didn’t start feeling like I was really leaving until the last year, even before I knew I would be in DC.

What is this teaching me, the ability to hold a couple of different personalities in one body? That I would make a great actor? I would hope not, maybe I’ll turn out to be a sociopath killer during the night hours and a well loved person during the day. Exactly like Mr. Brooks. But that’s a far stretch even for me to think like that. I know that all this is having a profound and lasting effect on me. I mean I am still suffering from my first heart break and the trust issues I picked up from it. I already know that I don’t trust people, that’s male or female, but a female in a relationship with me or trying to form a relationship with me, I believe is lying to me 100% of the time. It just feels safer to assume that than to assume I am being told the truth, and then one-day realizing I was being lied to. At least that way I can say I knew it was happening.

I was talking yesterday about how romantic it is to be smart and self teach yourself various things. I think now that I realize I have all this extra time on my hands, and in an effort to keep myself productive I will take that up, and start picking up little improvement projects. I figure if I can keep this thing running (Writing three pages) then slowly but surely I can start to add other things that will not only improve me as a writer but will improve me overall as a man. At this stage, I can never stop improving. Especially when all your faults are put under a microscope and scrutinized. I feel like I am training to be a celebrity or something. I hope not, my god I even hate the word celebrity.

No amount of writing though will help me completely. I think I may one day have to get all weepy in front of a paid stranger or risk getting all weepy in front of a stranger who I am not paying. I cant vent up all this emotion, and while writing is a good temporary solution it is by no means long term and I can suspect this will not help me any more than ignoring it will. I hope that once I start clearing out my head though, with all this bent up emotion and words it will clear some space for me to finish my projects. I suppose that’s why me and weed had such a strong bond in the start, it was an easy way for me to take myself out of my mind and my current hopeless situation and into a comfortable zone where I could reflect and think. Of course when I did too much thinking my thoughts would always lead me back to how hopeless my current situation was. Ha! But for the times weed actually allowed me to escape I came back with vivid stories and notes. Of course I don’t believe that weed brought me the stories, I know better than that. I do believe that it gave me the time and space I needed to let me imagination loose. Its hard for me to think about one thing when I have forty million problems and the cosmo’s facing down on me.
Again, of course, it was not all that bad but everyone’s own problems seem like a lot.

For the past few couple of days I feel like I have been relying to much on the company of others. Like a baby to a bottle, what happened to the days as a youth where I can sit in my room for days on end without having to speak to another soul. What is this all of a sudden where I go social and feel the need to interact with other people.

Sadly I don’t even know if I was being sarcastic with myself jus then. Its not like I cant find books to go read, its not like there is not a library almost a block away. Maybe that’s what I should do, maybe I should go take my emo self on to the local library and start reading up on classic lit, never know what I can find. Something tells me that I may end up looking for a psychology book and end up reading about myself then I wont want to come back once I realize how far gone I am.

Sometimes I think they way I grew up is training, almost as if people are not put through more than they can handle. I actually got that quote from the bible, but I believe it to be true. After all what does not kill us makes us stronger. I do know that the relationship I have with my family is only a starter for something else. I do know that later in my life when my family is no longer a tax on my mental health something else will replace the negative feedback and animosity I feel from them. I can only wonder who, and in a small part I feel sad for the future, because I really don’t want to have to deal with that anymore.

I already feel as if my training has been paying off. Training is a funny word but I try and make light of it all. I am able to face skeptics and haters to the face without the blink of an eye because I know that nothing that anyone can say will be worse than the words of my father. I know that there is nothing that anyone can do to try and tear me down worse that what he has tried to do. I have never seen a man that so closely resembles the American eagle, with an arrow in one claw and a peace olive in the other.

I hate to make it seem like everyday is like autswitz but I spend half the day waiting for the other shoe to drop, the arrow to fall out the claw after the olive branch. However I know full well that when I start to feel like an adult (And lets face it my parents are the reason I still feel like a child) I will look back on this and smile with gratitude the things I lived through and the things he put me through. Not so much thankful to him because there is no grand maser plan in his actions, he has admitted so himself. I will be thankful to that higher power, to that whisper in my mind that tells me that this will soon be nothing. That little boost of confidence that sometimes only last five minutes…but maybe that’s all I need. That five minutes of clarity. A lot can happen in five minutes, who knows what I might have done had I not had that mini vacation from the burden that is my own intellect.

Sounds like I may be a drinker sometime in the future…to ease the burden of my own intellect. My god my god what have they done to me my god?