Christmas Day 2009 ( A Change Gon' Come)

It has been two years to the day that I sat in jail scribbling on the walls of a cell, words that I cant even remember now. I know it sounded like something scare face would say. It does not seem that long ago and so much has changed. To see myself now I would have never believed it. It seems nothing has changed and yet so much has.

I still do the things that landed me in the waiting cell on Christmas day. I guess old habits die-hard. I wonder about the type of life it has been and the way that I live it. I wonder about the life I have and if I will blow it.

Everything is just so ripe for the losing. It’s not all perfect but it’s good enough for me to regret it, if I lose it. What type of man thinks this way? With my whole life in the way it’s perfect for wrecking. Why do I treat myself like I will miss handle myself, my opportunities and abilities?

Maybe I should soon have one of those dreams where I am driving a car and the brakes don’t work. I almost feel like I am not controlling my life, almost. But I know, I swear I know that things will change. I know in time something is going to change. I’ll go back to calling myself crazy for feeling a thing so passionately and then having it crumble in my face. Here I am building sand castles telling my self the waves wont come.

The day after Christmas I was given logical sound advice from a friend five years older than myself. Mature advice that said if I can not handle the small things then why should I be given anything bigger. If in two years I have essentially lived un grown un changed then why would I think that things around me will change?

I cant expect the rain outside to stop just because I go outside without a raincoat, and I cant expect my life to change and I’m still living the same old lifestyle. Different city, new playground, same bullies. I cant be stuck in old ways expecting to get new results. That is the true definition of insane. To do the same thing over again and expect a different result. Playing the lottery everyday with the same numbers.

Maybe that change is right around the corner, maybe I am not waiting for that change but that change is waiting on me. I suppose…I suppose I could start to change for the better and see what happens. I mean what’s the worse that could happen? Nothing changes? I find that unlikely. That’s like saying if I add pepper to eggs they won’t taste differently. If I add this logic to my life I know things will change, they will change for the better.

“for all your self proclaimed genius you let the simplest things escape you.”

My gift from God 2009 Christmas day: waking up that morning and the realization that the life he has given me along with the opportunities are not lost to me.

“Its been a long time coming but I know a change gon come.”