Three pages after I wake Wed-Dec-23 (2)

I had been thinking about my dreams, the ones I wrote about earlier. I know I had some dreams from my most recent sleep that I cannot remember but that’s okay because the ones I do recall give me a lot to think about, so as a result I have a few things to write about.

I first want to touch on my first one, or my most recent one. The one with the vampires. I am not surprised by the setting (my grandmothers house) as I often, well not often but I have before had dreams of where I am doing some kind of battle in her home and I usually die as a result. So the setting is not surprising, and when I think about how much Vampires have been on my mind the past month or so I can see how they were chosen for my enemy this time around. The day of the dream I was loaned a movie about vampires. An anime called ‘blood’ I have since watched it, but I hadn’t at the time of the dream. A day before the dream when I was at the library I flipped though a book about Vampires. I cant say I have ever been fascinated by the topic, but its hard to miss hearing about them with the book and movie series ‘twilight’ out. I have even seen one of the movies, I got little from it artistically but it was an experience nonetheless. I have learned that groups of women can be mean, though I think I already knew this. I wont attempt to reign myself in an stay on any sort of topic as the whole point of me writing three pages is to spill out whatever comes forth, with little to no self editing.

I have noticed that women when in a large group always seem to have a pseudo caste system marked out for themselves. Where the lead girl or maybe pair of lead girls are clearly marked and admired by the rest of the group and the ones at the bottom are clearly seen as being a the butt end of all the jokes and taunting and teasing. I look at the this of course as an outsider from the out looking in. I look back on my times growing up and of course I was an outsider even then, I never meshed well in groups but I don’t recall a hierarchy system exactly like the ones I see in the women, This is not to say that boys don’t pick on each other or have that one friend they abuse and what not, but not surprisingly I think the difference is that the teasing tends to be more physical and aggressive as the women’s tends to be more slight of hand and playful. Yes it is still just as mean spirited and damaging.

“Oh but you know we really don’t mean that.”

Of course this is just based off a few casual observations, I am sure there are exceptions to the rule.

With that out the way I can resume my earlier topic. I am not exactly sure what the vampire battle in my grandmothers home meant, I am slightly curious to know why I am always dying and fighting inside her home. I don’t exactly remember what was going on in my life the last couple of times I had had those dreams but it must of not been anything to stand out. I do know that I logged the dream last time I had it but there is no way for me to know exactly where I wrote it, one of the down falls of paper writing.

My other two dreams including my father are, for me anyway, a lot simpler to explain. I am a firm believer that dreams mean something. The first one being the jail, is the quickest dream, but I don’t really like what it may be showing me. I have had dreams where I am in jail, I believe it has just been one other, but I don’t like the idea of me being back in jail. Though to be honest with myself, something tells me that I will be going back before the end of my life. Under different circumstances than last time, and I wont be so ashamed or despaired but, I don’t see how that can be as being in jail is not something to be proud of. I don’t lead a life style that would take me back to jail but its funny even as I sat in jail I knew that I would be back. How goofy is that. Even before the first time I knew I would pay a visit to jail before my life turned around, and lo and behold it did, and my life has since then started to turn around. Slowly but surely. This dream had me in a old European type jail, I don’t know what I was in jail for but I remember looking out at the sky from the one high window in my cell. My father of course was the jailer, and he was actually cordial to me in prison and was not mean or rude in anyway that I can remember. Would it be so simple as to say that when I go back to jail my father will be kind to me? Feels like I am making it too easy like reading tarot cards or something.

The last dream with my father is a little bit more tricky because I remember so many details. I can assume that the fact that I was alone on a mountain means exactly what it looks like, that I am alone and off secluded by myself. Which if the trends continue in my life, will be the case. I can only assume that me being on the phone with a woman in the dream means that I won’t be totally alone but the relationship may be distant. Me and my father don’t talk, unless its some vital information that needs to be exchanged, so I think I understand the first half of the dream where we sit on a mountaintop aware of each other but not talking to each other. Then something happens where we are brought to confront each other and having to talk to one another, I think that is why the mountaintop got smaller. I am not sure what the whole car getting hit part means and why the dream was talking about a station wagon in the driveway. Maybe it means I will have a family? Not sure, but I did get the feeling that this dream is for the future, but then again I could be reading a lot into it. But I did walk away with the feeling that it means that he will trust and talk to me in the future. Who knows anything is possible.

It has been hard these past couple of days to say all the things I wanted to say, but I feel the more I write the more I will have to say, sometimes filling three pages seems like a lot but I assume its like anything. When you start running, you don’t expect yourself to run 15 miles the first try you have to start off with as much as you can do, and even if you do get 15 your first go it will only get easier the more that you do it. The hardest thing is to not fill the three pages with complete and utter fluff.

I did, while I was drunk, make the most of my time. I watched my favorite anime series CowBoy beebop with a friend. I always enjoy the company of older people, that goes for men and women. I think maybe the lack of parent figures that I can admire and look up to is the reason I like women to be older than me and male friends older than me as well. Of course I am able to keep company and provide audience with people of all ages, as is I am sure, the case for most anyone. Yet if I had to choose, I would prefer to surround myself with older adults as they have more things to teach and show me than someone younger than me. I’ll be clear this is not to say that a younger person cant show me something I don’t know but nine times out of ten people older than you, know a little bit more than you, if only because they have been alive longer. Even when my friends are younger than me, I seem to gravitate towards younger adults who are mature for their ages. Yes, I have been around teenagers who acted like kids, and they usually drag me down with them, and I find myself behaving in a way that I usually wouldn’t. And while I cant blame my behavior that lead me to jail on anyone but myself. I do realize that my behavior was directly influenced by the crowd I kept. Though I suppose this is standard and true for just about anyone, no grand revelation there.

As I was saying about my friend, I spent my intoxication inside his home watching anime and being influenced and inspired artistically. Which is a hell of a lot more than I used to do with my intoxication. Usually it would be slept off almost immediately or it was used to act a fool. Which is why I usually hated drinking around strangers because the aura or vibe of whoever I was around would greatly affect the way I behaved while drinking. I wonder if this stands true for most beings but I find that I adapt and change into whatever the situation calls for. For example I was (yesterday) drinking with a man that was drinking only water, and had someone walked into the room with us, would have no reason to believe me drinking. (besides the fact that I kept the bottle tucked very closely to me). However, If I was around some of my old friends in Kansas City, it would have been very apparent that I was drinking and needed to stop.

I credit this to the vibe and atmosphere of the company I keep. With my short lived experimentation with drugs I do know that only Marijuana has the same social effect on me time and time over. Nine times out of ten I become a lot calmer and patient and understanding. I have done my greatest acts of kindness under the influence of marijuana, and the vibes of other people do not affect or influence me as much. As Usual, I can be around people looking me right in my face who have no idea I am not sober (high) I wonder why it is that I am less prone to being influenced by those around me. If memory serves (which is always a shaky speculation when marijuana is involved) I Usually like to be alone after I smoke, or even during, though I have been known to seek out company before I smoke. If only for conversation while the joint is lit. However some people, usually younger than me, and more often than not women (though I have known a man or two) can knock me right out of my high and annoy me to no end. Which reminds me of one of the handicaps of smoking and talking. Even sober I have a problem slurring my words because I am thinking so much faster than I can talk, or I may be in the middle of thinking about something that has nothing to do with the conversation, so the first couple of sounds come out jumbled. This happens at almost 100% increased rate when you add marijuana because my thoughts are so spur attic I never stay thinking about one topic for very long.

Because Of that reason talking to women (something that take a lot of concentrate if the women interests me) is almost impossible because I will always slur my words or become confused by my own thoughts as nearly 99% of the things I am saying (high or otherwise) to a woman is not what I am thinking. For that reason I refuse to talk to women high, unless I am completely comfortable with them. Being intoxicated on the other hand, not so much. I don’t mind being in the company of a women while I have been drinking, though alcohol is by far the harder substance for me to control (as compared to weed) it does make me extremely more confident (as it does for everyone) almost to the point that I will seek out female companionship just to try out this newfound skill called liquid courage.